FairLady on Dads in Delivery Room
By Danell Swim
May 5, 2008
Should reluctant fathers be coerced into witnessing their children’s birth? Absolutely not, says a growing body of medical opinion.
Michael, who is a competent, loving and assured father of three, attended the delivery of his first-born child because he felt he ‘ought’ to be there. Not because his wife urged him to be there, not even because she necessarily wanted him there, and certainly not because he wanted to be there.
He attended because ‘all the other dads seemed to be doing the same, and I’d have felt as if I were letting my wife down had I not been there’. He hated every minute of it. Not because he is squeamish, but because ‘here was the person I loved most in the world undergoing this horrendous pain and there was absolutely nothing I could do to alleviate it for her.
‘I kept thinking she was just like any other birthing animal, and there was something hugely disturbing seeing her reduced to that’. Second and third time around, Michael, with his wife’s support, opted out.
His choice put him in the clear minority: In the UK, where statistics are available, 93% of fathers who live with their partners are present at the birth of their children, according to Kathleen Kiernan, Professor of Social Policy and Demography at the University of York, UK.
UK National Health Service data shows even higher figures: 98% of fathers attend the birth. And most proclaim the experience to be among the most precious of their lives. Talk to any new parents or expecting dads in South Africa and the assumptions are the same.
But are they telling the truth? In 1960, a doctor working at a hospital in London interviewed fathers and their partners post-delivery, asking them if they had been happy witnesses to the births of their children. Without exception they responded with a collective ‘yes’.
The doctor, George Davidson, then spoke to each father alone and assured them that their responses were confidential. This time, most of the men said that although the birth was an interesting and extraordinary experience, it was one they could have lived without.
Many felt it had done little to improve their relationship with their wives, and some admitted that the image of a labouring partner intruded on what had been a healthy sex life.
But these findings were largely ignored and the number of fathers in delivery suites rose.
In the late 1990s, Dr Michel Odent, the renowned French obstetrician who pioneered the water birth, decided to be absent when his wife gave birth.
Having interviewed hundreds of couples as part of broad research on the topic, Odent concluded that the father’s presence during the birth of his child was not always helpful.
For starters, a father, distressed at seeing his partner in pain, is likely to try to comfort her by talking to her. But, Odent says, attempts at conversation force the woman to respond with the rational part of her brain, which is enormously distracting for someone who needs to be in touch with her primitive self.
In so doing, he said, men hinder labour and could even contribute to rising Caesarean rates. When I questioned Dr Odent as to whether his views had changed over the past ten years, he was quite emphatic that they had not.
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2 Responses to “FairLady on Dads in Delivery Room”
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I forwarded this story to my husband, and he responded with quite a few expletives. He’s one of those husbands who wants to experience every moment of pregnancy and childbirth with his wife. He’s read every book under the sun, and thinks that what my body is capable of is completely awe-inspiring. We both think the “research” behind this article is shotty at best, and has a clear agenda. If some men aren’t man enough to step up and experience their child’s entry into the world, and their wife is okay with that, then fine. But don’t try to tell REAL men that they’re doing a disservice to their wives by being present for the birth. That’s nonsense. I couldn’t do this without my husband, and he wouldn’t want me to.
“I kept thinking she was just like any other birthing animal, and there was something hugely disturbing seeing her reduced to that”
REDUCED to that? How’s that for respect.
As far as Dr. Odent’s comments, let me preface by saying that I have tremendous respect for his work and always wished I could fly to France to deliver with him! However, I think his comment about women born at the end of the 19th century is irrelevant here. Of course they couldn’t imagine their husbands wathing them give birth. It was never done. Sexuality was not spoken of in polite society and men had been banished from birth for…well, forever! We live in a different culture now where sexuality is opening discussed and displayed to excess at times…and that’s socially not just accepted but expected.
I do agree that dad’s are better off participating if they’re adequately prepared for what they’re likely to see and hear. Classes with plenty of visuals, including video, are a real bonus. I also agree that a good midwife or doula is indispensible. That way there’s someone there who’s not emotionally vulnerable to the circumstances and who is knowlegeable about what’s happening to Mom. The doula is then the one responsible for “knowing what to do” and Dad can just be there for Mom to lean on for strength and reassurance. To expect most dads to be Mom’s only source of support until the doctor comes in to catch the baby can be way too overwhelming and I can understand why many men would be reluctant to want to go through that again.
My husband was with me during all three of my births. He was always scared out of his mind that something bad would happen, but he was always my rock. I can’t imagine him telling me, “Sorry, Babe. It’s just too much. I’ll see you when it’s over.” Our best experience by far was when we used a midwife. She knew how to help me and directed my husband how to do it. No pressure for him to need to know how to “fix” anything. He could always look to her for the assurance he needed that all was well. I always had just what I needed. He was still glad when it was over, I know he appreciated the experience very much. He told me after we came home that he’d never felt closer to me. I’m so glad we didn’t miss that together.